I was unforgiven and forgotten

Dear Miss J
I guess, with your silence, it meant that I will never be forgiven, and I will be forgotten. With your silence, it meant that we can't be friends. With your silence, it will mean that our paths may never cross again. Whatever it was supposed to be, I still see you as a friend, though you probably don't see me the same way. in a few days, I am going to leave my past behind. In less than a month, I will remember you as a friend. But I will forget the memories we once shared.
I am letting go now. Without the reciprocity in communication, it is unwise for me to stay in the past. I can see that you have moved on already. It's time for me to go.
I am not as sad as I once was, just empty. I think whatever tears I once had had been emptied. Whatever extreme joy and the warm fuzzy feeling I have is now dead. I just don't know what to feel. A person once told me to apologize especially when I have wronged a lady. Another told me to be more open with my feelings. I did both, it never worked out well enough to gain the person's trust again. I am sorry, not for you, but for myself.

last night, I cried myself to sleep. my emotional mind condemning myself while my logical mind telling me that I have nothing to lose. it has been a constant war in me and only I can hear myself out.

A post merry Xmas

My Christmas wish this year, was to stop this winter in my heart, to feel some warmth again. I wanted so much to be forgiven, and remembered. But I realized that the person who needs to forgive me, was actually myself, simply because I didn't have the courage to move on. I have to love myself to love others so that others can love me. Perhaps that is the most difficult thing for me to do. I have to admit, I live 2010 in regret, but regret is something that can only be solved within.I want to cry out this misery, but tears can't come out no matter how I try. But I swear I will love myself.

Merry Christmas

I spent my Christmas eve with a heavy heart. Letting go wasn't easy, memories still haunts me. I looked at my eyes last night, and they freak me out. They have not much of a soul in them. I still live in regret and my freedom has become a prison to me. Feelings I have lost, pain that is always there. I grew up from there, but at the same time, I am scarred.
I live each dream in joy, only to wake up in disappointment. Everyday, without fail, I am trapped in a past that does not exist. I hope for nothing this Christmas, just for a little warmth in my soul.

In retrospective for 2010

I just looked at the mirror today. Only to see a person with no life in his face, only to see a person badly disturbed by his past, a person who is filled with regret. 4 months...and I still couldn't let go. 4 months, and I am still filled with loneliness. I have everything in the world for me, why is it the only person who couldn't see it is me?
This Christmas, I am not asking for anything God, I want my heart to be at peace. To enjoy the little things in life. I don't want anybody new in my life, I don't want any new toys or clothes or anything. I just want to be happy. That will be all God.

With Agape,
Jeremy

In retrospective

17 days have passed since I sent out that mail. Often I asked myself, is that what I truely want? To be honest, no. I would like to live in the fairy tale of rose tinted glasses, where everyday is a bliss. But to be realistic, I had to realise my need to move on. When the rose tinted glasses are removed, the world is just a dark pit. And I am that frog in the pit who thinks that the world revolves around the rose. I do have pangs of sadness when the memories strike, but at least I know i am standing on my own turf. I can whimper a little and get up knowing I have a life to live for. The very least I can do is to pray for her well being, as I walk my own path. 16 more days, I will be liberated from a year long intoxicating dream. One that I don't want to leave, but yet, will truely sap my life steadily.

Syonara, ojou-sama, ore-wa hontoni gomenasai.

A little self reflection

I am writing here, partially because I am confused. It has been weeks since I told J that I was highly infatuated with her, and as long as I had feelings for her, I can't be her friend and that when I speak to her again, I hope to speak to her as a friend instead of someone I am infatuated with. I feel that my choice of words is biting back at me. But yet, I know that I had to do it, otherwise I can't move on. That's how weak I am emotionally. But I had to detach myself from emotions that are tying me to the ground to move on. I wish things never happened that way. I wished I could let go of myself more readily. It's funny how each time I try to enter the world of romance, I get bitten harder than the previous time. It really hurts this time round, and I think its time for me to move away from this illusion that I always wish to have. I am not going to attempt to find happiness through romance from now, to a very long time to come, perhaps until I learn to be more emotionally mature.
Miss J..I know you will never see this, but I am truly sorry that I wasn't honest in the past, and I am sorry I have to break a promise. Till our paths cross again. syonara ojou sama..

it was my fault after all.

The reason why I am in this predicament, was because I put myself in the situation the first place. I was infatuated with them and subconsciously I kept hoping for something from them. I think I am immatured in that aspect.

perhaps that's the answer I was looking for. Not why I have no sense of belonging but rather whether I have the mental maturity to handle people around me, especially in the aspect of romance. For wanting it too hard, I forgo logic.

I think its time to step back and relook at my life. To understand what I have lost logically rather than emotionally. I kept blaming the world for my problems, "If my boss treated me better, perhaps I would have been able to talk to j." " If d reciprocated in communications, I would have understood." "if j was more open perhaps I can be closer to her." The problem is, I expect too much from others emotionally. But I failed to understand that freewill means that I should not get anything in return. I focused too much on Eros than agape. So the fault lies with my immaturity rather than anything else.

As I walk on, I hope the turbulence in my emotions would die out. And should I feel in pain again, let this post be a message to my logical side.

Happy Birthday Miss D.

Today is D's birthday. but because I had to de-associate from her, to stop thinking about the past, I can't say happy birthday. Because I told her I will stop trying to be her friend, I decided to stop everything. I have never encountered this in my life, and I think I am tired. I am moving on from here. All that happy times that happened in the past, was just a dream. I had to wake up to reality. Happy birthday, old pal. I know you can't see this.

God, I present you my heart

“Stop dwelling on past events and brooding over times gone by;” Isa 43:18

God, with this line, I surrender to you my emotions. Whatever longings and desire that I once had, God, safeguard it till I need it once again. Let your will be done, but as of now, keep me in your word. God, I feel that I have no reason to torture myself anymore. If I had to be judged, I will only be answerable to you and to myself and not to the words of men.

For too long I have abandoned my inner peace through you via my selfish desires, for too long I have been brooding over past regrets that has no relevance to my future. God, I am tired. I am tired of the constant lows that I have to feel. My goal now is for me to live a life of happiness.

I once asked my friend, "Has life as a christian made your life any better? Has it made your life easier?"He told me, no life didn't become easier. But life became better. Because it was through the hard times in life, that he appreciates what God has done for him, that God has allowed him to grow. God, despite being a Christian for 20 over years of my life, I still feel like an infant. Being emotionally carried away with a quest to find a sense of belonging. Perhaps,through these years of my life, I have been looking at the wrong direction.

God, I surrender my emotions to you once again. Keep me objective, not subjective, keep me wholesome without the instant sugar high that the world is offering me.

Amen

Self laddering technique.

A friend once asked me, "If I find myself lonely and single, will I lose my mind and become a psychopath?" I replied to her, "Absolutely not." Because I felt there is so much to life than to just feel lonely.

But, reality is so different. When that same friend put me aside, the feeling is awful. I felt abandoned.

Was I being used? The first question to enter my head.
Did I do something wrong? The second question to enter my head.
Can I rectify it? The third question to enter my head.

For the first 2, I can't affirm the answer. But for the final, the answer is clear. There is nothing I can do about it. This leads to another question.

How can I stop thinking about it?

The conclusion is, I can't. The only thing I can ask is, "What have I learnt from that friendship?"

I learned to be more sensitive to others. I learned to be more self confident when dealing with people. And for writing this, I learned to be more self forgiving. That being oversensitive, is not a flaw, but a gift given by God. For it increased my capacity to love others. I learned that I have to stop hurting myself if I want to be happy.

To that friend, she will not be my friend, but she will not be my enemy. I am not obliged to help her, but I have no reason to hate her either.

Life's little lessons 3

Regrets. I always lived with them, I have always felt the pangs of pain in my heart. Even now, I am feeling the pain of it. It's a word that always starts a sentence with if. But there are really not that many ifs in this world. The fact is the world still moves on no matter how much you look back at it. You will end up in the losing end ultimately. Still, it bothers me quite substantially. But its still a long road on.

With regrets, comes self pity. I have potentially lost 2 friends through my behaviour. Its only when reality strikes that you realise that you are trying to make the world revolve around you. But the fact is that, you are just moving linearly with time and everyone can see you as the abnormality.

I wish I can reconcile with these friends. But humans being human, it is unlikely you will get a second chance. Which brings me to the second point, don't try to force your presence into another person's life. Do it slowly. And if you find that you can't enter their lives, walk away, give them some space. Finally, stop blaming yourself. We all learn from our mistakes. Move on and do not let that emotion get the better of you.

My last point, in the event that you can't convince a friend, then move on from her. No point regarding a person as a friend who has no regards for you. Friendship is a win-win situation. Both parties are supposed to benefit from it. But if the friendship has degraded to the point where it is no longer transparent, and that you are treated transparently, then there is no point feeling hurt about it. Trust and communication is critical, without it, it is no longer a friendship. But of course don't dismiss every cold shoulder as an end game, there is always a reason for that cold shoulder. Most importantly, ask and see if you can resolve it. Don't let it drag on for too long.

I don't have a lot of friends, so those who I really cherish means a lot to me. But, sometimes, a hard decision might have to be made.

Life's little lesson 2

Sometimes your emotions can be your greatest enemy. In the process of worrying and feeling sorry for myself, I have possibly lost quite a number of friends. But there is not much point in agonizing over it. What's done is done, feeling sorry for yourself takes you nowhere.

Clear up the mess if you can. If you managed to resolve the situation, congratulations. You won back a friend. If you didn't, its alright, take it as a lesson learnt. Control your feelings from now on. But never put yourself down, you will only bring further grief to yourself. Be happy and let it radiate from yourself. Once you are happy, others will notice. Do not live in the past, live for the present and the future. Regrets are acceptable, for its only through disappointments that you learn.

Life's little lessons

Its months since I have written anything here. The past 9 months had been an emotional roller coaster for me. Personally, I think I did not handle myself well. But I think I have learnt countless little lessons during this period, the most important of which, was positive thinking.
To those who know me, I don't reveal my emotions out publicly except to the few I trust. But I feel that you guys deserve a word of thanks from me. So if you find yourself being referenced inside the text that follows, please accept it as a word of thanks.

There were times I had been wondering, why is it I am always unhappy.
There were times I would have been lying on my bed, wishing that God would remove the painful emotions from my heart.
But it was through these times learned that what I have been missing out is not the lack of positive emotions, but rather I chose not to understand what I have in abundance.

I learned that it is through sadness, that I appreciated the value of being happy.
I realised that it is through failing in love, that you learn that you have the capacity to love.
I realise that it is through the lack of appreciation, that you learn ambition.
I realise that it is through falling down, that you learn to get up.
I realise that it is through disappointment, that you learn to have hope.
I realise that it is through the lack of communication, that you learn to communicate
I realise that it is through a frown, that you will appreciate a smile.
I realise that it is through bitterness that you appreciate appeasement.

Most importantly, a smile can kill a tear, a positive thought can over shadow a negative one.
If I had to choose to be happy or sad over a matter, be happy because it feels so much better.
If you put on a bitter mask, nobody will come to you.
If you choose to wallow in self pity, nobody will pity you.
Things like these were taught by 2 friends of mine over the past 9 months. I believe I grew up a lot through them.

Of course there were several friends and family members who had contributed to this simple recipe to a positive life.

I will keep smiling, no matter how broken I feel. It just feels so much easier. So to those who have endured my whining, thank you for listening. For those who have left because of my whining, I am sorry. For friends who have walked away from me, come back, return. I am sorry.

Solo Photog: Dairy Farm Nature Reserve

Another of my photo-therapy, a trip to Dairy Farm Nature Reserve. Its a bit of an uncharted territory for me, but its really easy to navigate around.

So some animal shots I took.
The Golden Orb Spider. Its almost as big as my palm

Chocolate grass yellow

Common Mormon
Green Crested Lizard

Chocolate Pansy
Crab eating macau

Back to the Southern Ridges Again.

I was feeling a little blue, so I decided on a photo therapy. Before I knew it, I was at Habourfront MRT Station, getting ready for a long march.

Anyway this will be my first post for 2009, apologies for the lack of updates. I will add captions to the images when I am a little more free. This is especially so for the butterflies, where I have to do some species identification.