I was unforgiven and forgotten

Dear Miss J
I guess, with your silence, it meant that I will never be forgiven, and I will be forgotten. With your silence, it meant that we can't be friends. With your silence, it will mean that our paths may never cross again. Whatever it was supposed to be, I still see you as a friend, though you probably don't see me the same way. in a few days, I am going to leave my past behind. In less than a month, I will remember you as a friend. But I will forget the memories we once shared.
I am letting go now. Without the reciprocity in communication, it is unwise for me to stay in the past. I can see that you have moved on already. It's time for me to go.
I am not as sad as I once was, just empty. I think whatever tears I once had had been emptied. Whatever extreme joy and the warm fuzzy feeling I have is now dead. I just don't know what to feel. A person once told me to apologize especially when I have wronged a lady. Another told me to be more open with my feelings. I did both, it never worked out well enough to gain the person's trust again. I am sorry, not for you, but for myself.

last night, I cried myself to sleep. my emotional mind condemning myself while my logical mind telling me that I have nothing to lose. it has been a constant war in me and only I can hear myself out.

A post merry Xmas

My Christmas wish this year, was to stop this winter in my heart, to feel some warmth again. I wanted so much to be forgiven, and remembered. But I realized that the person who needs to forgive me, was actually myself, simply because I didn't have the courage to move on. I have to love myself to love others so that others can love me. Perhaps that is the most difficult thing for me to do. I have to admit, I live 2010 in regret, but regret is something that can only be solved within.I want to cry out this misery, but tears can't come out no matter how I try. But I swear I will love myself.

Merry Christmas

I spent my Christmas eve with a heavy heart. Letting go wasn't easy, memories still haunts me. I looked at my eyes last night, and they freak me out. They have not much of a soul in them. I still live in regret and my freedom has become a prison to me. Feelings I have lost, pain that is always there. I grew up from there, but at the same time, I am scarred.
I live each dream in joy, only to wake up in disappointment. Everyday, without fail, I am trapped in a past that does not exist. I hope for nothing this Christmas, just for a little warmth in my soul.

In retrospective for 2010

I just looked at the mirror today. Only to see a person with no life in his face, only to see a person badly disturbed by his past, a person who is filled with regret. 4 months...and I still couldn't let go. 4 months, and I am still filled with loneliness. I have everything in the world for me, why is it the only person who couldn't see it is me?
This Christmas, I am not asking for anything God, I want my heart to be at peace. To enjoy the little things in life. I don't want anybody new in my life, I don't want any new toys or clothes or anything. I just want to be happy. That will be all God.

With Agape,
Jeremy

In retrospective

17 days have passed since I sent out that mail. Often I asked myself, is that what I truely want? To be honest, no. I would like to live in the fairy tale of rose tinted glasses, where everyday is a bliss. But to be realistic, I had to realise my need to move on. When the rose tinted glasses are removed, the world is just a dark pit. And I am that frog in the pit who thinks that the world revolves around the rose. I do have pangs of sadness when the memories strike, but at least I know i am standing on my own turf. I can whimper a little and get up knowing I have a life to live for. The very least I can do is to pray for her well being, as I walk my own path. 16 more days, I will be liberated from a year long intoxicating dream. One that I don't want to leave, but yet, will truely sap my life steadily.

Syonara, ojou-sama, ore-wa hontoni gomenasai.