A little self reflection

I am writing here, partially because I am confused. It has been weeks since I told J that I was highly infatuated with her, and as long as I had feelings for her, I can't be her friend and that when I speak to her again, I hope to speak to her as a friend instead of someone I am infatuated with. I feel that my choice of words is biting back at me. But yet, I know that I had to do it, otherwise I can't move on. That's how weak I am emotionally. But I had to detach myself from emotions that are tying me to the ground to move on. I wish things never happened that way. I wished I could let go of myself more readily. It's funny how each time I try to enter the world of romance, I get bitten harder than the previous time. It really hurts this time round, and I think its time for me to move away from this illusion that I always wish to have. I am not going to attempt to find happiness through romance from now, to a very long time to come, perhaps until I learn to be more emotionally mature.
Miss J..I know you will never see this, but I am truly sorry that I wasn't honest in the past, and I am sorry I have to break a promise. Till our paths cross again. syonara ojou sama..

it was my fault after all.

The reason why I am in this predicament, was because I put myself in the situation the first place. I was infatuated with them and subconsciously I kept hoping for something from them. I think I am immatured in that aspect.

perhaps that's the answer I was looking for. Not why I have no sense of belonging but rather whether I have the mental maturity to handle people around me, especially in the aspect of romance. For wanting it too hard, I forgo logic.

I think its time to step back and relook at my life. To understand what I have lost logically rather than emotionally. I kept blaming the world for my problems, "If my boss treated me better, perhaps I would have been able to talk to j." " If d reciprocated in communications, I would have understood." "if j was more open perhaps I can be closer to her." The problem is, I expect too much from others emotionally. But I failed to understand that freewill means that I should not get anything in return. I focused too much on Eros than agape. So the fault lies with my immaturity rather than anything else.

As I walk on, I hope the turbulence in my emotions would die out. And should I feel in pain again, let this post be a message to my logical side.

Happy Birthday Miss D.

Today is D's birthday. but because I had to de-associate from her, to stop thinking about the past, I can't say happy birthday. Because I told her I will stop trying to be her friend, I decided to stop everything. I have never encountered this in my life, and I think I am tired. I am moving on from here. All that happy times that happened in the past, was just a dream. I had to wake up to reality. Happy birthday, old pal. I know you can't see this.